On his return home from a meeting, the fond wife asked her husband, 'How was your talk tonight?' 'Which one,' he retorted, 'the one I was going to give, the one I did give, or the one I delivered so brilliantly to myself on the way home in the car?'

A little boy who had just started school came home one day and announced that he had a girlfriend. 'Jean and I are in love.' Surprised at his use of the term, his mother asked how he knew. 'She told me,' he replied casually.

As a member of any church committee will tell you, after all is said and done, there is a lot more said than done.

A Sunday School teacher was telling her class about the birth of Jesus. When she came to that part about there being no room at the inn, one boy said, 'Please Miss, I blame Joseph. He should have booked.'

An American, who had been touring Scotland in the company of a Scottish relative, had been persistently belittling everything he saw. On the return journey to Edinburgh, the American glimpsed the magnificent Forth Rail Bridge. 'What's that?' said the American. Back came the brilliant reply, 'I don't know, it wasn't there last week.'

Two Glasgow men were standing at the street corner, helping to support the tenement building, when a lorry passed laden to the brim with beautiful turf. 'How would you like to be that rich,' said one to the other, 'that you could send your grass away for cutting?'

Golf is a lot of walking broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

Always put off until tomorrow that which you should not do at all.

A lecturer in business studies reminded his students that 'Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get when you don't.'