A proud mother once remarked to Churchill that her baby looked exactly like him. 'Madam,' he replied, 'all babies look like me.'

A man spent a whole afternoon cementing holes in the pavement in front of his house only to have a seven-year-old come along on his bike and make ruts in the fresh concrete. The man yelled at the boy, using some blistering words. Hearing the man's language, the boy's mother said, 'He didn't mean it, and anyway, I thought you loved children?' 'I do,' said the man. 'But in the abstract -- not the concrete.'

When John told his friend that the girl he had been dating had rejected his proposal of marriage, his friend smiled and said brightly, 'Don't let that get you down. A woman's No often means Yes.' But this brought little comfort. 'The trouble is', said John, 'she didn't say "No". She said "Phooey".'

A young man tells how in a moment of extravagance he promised his girlfriend a gold watch for her Christmas. When the assistant in the jeweller's shop told him the price of the one he liked, he let out a low whistle in amazement. Pointing to another tray he asked how much they were. 'To you sir,' replied the assistant, 'about three whistles.'

The most serious impediment to marriage these days is the difficulty of supporting a wife and the government on one income.

When a man brings flowers home to his wife for no reason, there usually is a reason.

A grandfather with serious hearing problems finally accepted his doctor's suggestion to get a hearing aid. On his return visit to the surgery he thanked the doctor for encouraging him to have an aid fitted. 'My hearing is ever so much better.' When the doctor said that his family must be really pleased, the man replied that he had not told them about the vast improvement in his hearing. 'I just sit around and listen to the conversations I used to miss. In the light of what I have heard, I have changed my will three times'

One day when a minister and his wife were entertaining friends, their son John came in from playing, to join them for a meal. He was immediately despatched to the bathroom to wash his hands. 'You know what I keep saying about germs, Johnnie,' said his mother. From outside the dining room door, a little voice was clearly heard to mutter, 'Germs and Jesus. It's all I hear about in this house, and I've never seen either.'

It was Bob Hope who said there was nothing quite like a British summer, except perhaps an Arctic winter.